1
00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:04,308
♪♪ [theme]

2
00:00:50,746 --> 00:00:52,835
♪♪ [dissonant trumpet fanfare]

3
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,218
Fire ceremonial salute.

4
00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:31,003
But, sir, the angle--

5
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:32,309
Fire the salute, Private!

6
00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:36,139
Yes, sir.

7
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[metal clanging]

8
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,798
[mouthing]

9
00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:45,540
You! Ooh!

10
00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:48,151
What the--
What did he do?

11
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:51,981
Corporal, a little
decorum, please!

12
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:55,767
You-you-- I'm all right.
Let me down. I'm all right.

13
00:01:55,811 --> 00:01:58,030
I'm okay.

14
00:01:58,074 --> 00:01:59,728
Ooh!

15
00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,999
Company...

16
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:11,870
order arms!

17
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,659
The company's arms
are ordered, sir.

18
00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,139
We're at order arms.

19
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:26,146
Excuse me.

20
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:29,801
Now then, during
Colonel Blake's absence,

21
00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:31,412
I will act
in his capacity.

22
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,501
So if there are
any problems,

23
00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,067
you may
bring them to me

24
00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:37,418
or to our fine adjutant here,
Major Houlihan.

25
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:40,029
Talking to the major is
the same as talking to me

26
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:42,162
since we are intimate with
each other at all times.

27
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,823
Company...

28
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,477
inspection arms!

29
00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:04,749
[sigh]

30
00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:08,579
Uh-huh.

31
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:16,500
-You shave today, soldier?
-Yes, sir.

32
00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:18,546
Well, tomorrow try it
with a blade in the razor.

33
00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:19,677
I want this man
on report, Corporal.

34
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:22,550
Uh, what's
the charge, sir?

35
00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,073
Heavy beard
in combat zone.

36
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:35,824
[gasp]

37
00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:41,569
-Are you all right, sir?
-[whimper]

38
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,836
Fingernail polish?

39
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,141
Flame d'Amour, sir.

40
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:50,708
And earrings?

41
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:52,144
They match the ring, sir.

42
00:03:52,188 --> 00:03:53,450
I'm a symphony
in coordination.

43
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,236
High heels?

44
00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:02,416
You're a disgrace to
American man and womanhood.

45
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,722
So stop bucking for a discharge
while I'm in command,

46
00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:06,724
Corporal Nutsy Fagin!

47
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,378
You're not getting
out of this man's army.

48
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:10,250
At least give me a pass, sir.

49
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,556
I'd like to spend
a little time with people.

50
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,036
Request denied.

51
00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,472
Please, sir.

52
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:16,908
I'd like to be in Seoul
for Mother's Day.

53
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:18,649
-No!
-Father's Day?

54
00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:20,956
I'll wear something tailored.

55
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,305
I said no!

56
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,872
Corporal, make a note.

57
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:26,918
I want this--
this creature's dresses,

58
00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:29,878
his entire wardrobe,
and all that stuff burned!

59
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:34,317
Burned? Sir, a man has a right
to his own trousseau!

60
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,581
Shut up!

61
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,152
Now, that concludes

62
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:45,850
our fine little retreat
ceremony and inspection.

63
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:49,114
I hope you've enjoyed it
as much as I've enjoyed
inspecting you.

64
00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:51,029
[yawn] I'm, uh,
going off duty now,

65
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:53,554
and your officer
of the day will be, uh...

66
00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:54,903
Corporal, do you have--

67
00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:57,209
I have the roster notes
right here, sir.

68
00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:58,820
The officer of the day

69
00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,126
will be Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce.

70
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:04,129
Captain Pierce? Good.

71
00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:06,044
Captain Pierce,
step forward.

72
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:13,400
Captain... Pierce.

73
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,621
Hi, Frank.

74
00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:19,623
That doesn't
scare me one bit.

75
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,364
Is he sleeping again?

76
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:22,887
No, Frank.

77
00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:24,367
He heard so much
about rigor mortis,

78
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,021
he thought
he would try it.

79
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,370
Wake up, Pierce!

80
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,502
[groaning]

81
00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:29,981
Come on!
Get up!

82
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:32,810
Hey, Frank, lay off.
He was 14 hours in O.R.

83
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,552
Tough tilly. Up, up, up!

84
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:38,033
Get lost, Frank.
Go rinse out the flag.

85
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,517
Trap, you're a witness.
He's violating the dead.

86
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,388
Pull yourself
together, Mister.

87
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:46,563
Breakfast?

88
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,045
My kidneys were
expecting orange juice.

89
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,873
Silly kidneys.

90
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,051
[coughing]

91
00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:58,009
Smooth.

92
00:05:58,053 --> 00:06:00,925
This morning was
a very good year.

93
00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:04,059
I dreamed I was walking along
the beach with my mother.

94
00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:06,888
There was this giant,
bleached-out Frank Burns

95
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,368
lying on the sand...

96
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:11,719
its white belly
shining in the sun.

97
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,285
Pierce.

98
00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:15,940
I said, "Mommy,
can I touch it?"

99
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,638
And she said,
"Be careful, son.

100
00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,204
The dullness rubs off."

101
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:22,817
Very amusing.

102
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,427
Pierce, you're officer
of the day.

103
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,429
I pass-- Give it
to somebody else.

104
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,170
You're it,
and that's an order.

105
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:30,172
Here's your arm band
and log book.

106
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:33,305
Here's your belt,
holster, and sidearm.

107
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:35,438
There's also a sash
and sword that goes with it.

108
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:38,485
That's in case we're
attacked by the Saracens.

109
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,791
Or you have to do
a tall appendectomy.

110
00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,315
I will not carry
a gun, Frank.

111
00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,143
When I got into this war,

112
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:46,580
I had a very
clear understanding
with the Pentagon.

113
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,059
No guns.

114
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,887
Hmm!

115
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:52,107
I'll carry your books,
I'll carry a torch,

116
00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:54,283
I'll carry a tune,
I'll carry on,

117
00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:56,111
carry over, carry forward,

118
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,808
Cary Grant,
cash and carry,

119
00:06:57,852 --> 00:06:59,723
carry me back
to old Virginny--

120
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,812
I'll even hari-kari,
if you show me how,

121
00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:03,858
but I will not carry a gun!

122
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:07,427
All right,
Captain 'Fraidy Cat.

123
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:12,475
You have your orders, Mister.

124
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,434
Bye, Frank.

125
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:17,001
That was totally
uncalled for.

126
00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:23,747
Emptiest holster
in the West.

127
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:26,228
I do believe it's
a new sheriff in town.

128
00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:29,013
That's right, stranger.

129
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,754
And I'm gonna make
everybody in this town

130
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,887
do just what I want
'em to do.

131
00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:34,323
I think I'll start
with the girls.

132
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,331
As of 16:00 hours,
sir, all secure.

133
00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:45,377
Very good, Radar.

134
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,640
Your report is concise,
informative,

135
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,163
and makes
no sense whatsoever.

136
00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,469
Thank you, sir.

137
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,905
Any orders, sir?

138
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:52,167
Yes, take an order.

139
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,864
All the troops can go home.

140
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,040
I'm declaring peace
and a general amnesty.

141
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,302
Aw, come on, Hawk.

142
00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:58,782
You're free, too.

143
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,610
I'll give you ten bucks
and a new suit later.

144
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,394
Well, I'm gonna need
your signature on this.

145
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,266
I'm not signing anything.

146
00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,398
You're not putting
the war in my name.

147
00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:08,662
For all I know, Henry didn't
keep up the payments.

148
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,403
What's this job like?

149
00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:13,318
I'm a new man here.

150
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:15,320
I been working
down in sales.

151
00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:17,845
Well, you just have
to be on duty in case
stuff happens--

152
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:19,847
inspect the place,
do a bed check.

153
00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:23,503
You probably wanna
handle that personally.

154
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,592
[laughing]

155
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,205
You can inspect
the nurses' showers.

156
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,772
I didn't give you
a birthday present.

157
00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:34,035
Yes, sir. [giggling]

158
00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:35,950
Privates Carter and Willis
reporting, sir.

159
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,562
Guard needs to
be changed, sir.

160
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,651
Okay, change 'em
and get 'em out of here.

161
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,827
Uh, sir, they need
to know the password.

162
00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:45,568
I would certainly
think so.

163
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:47,135
What was it yesterday?

164
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:49,398
Betty Boop.

165
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,486
I like it.

166
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,183
An unpretentious
little password,

167
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:53,489
but it's got sex.

168
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,273
-Betty Boop.
-Why get off a winner?

169
00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:57,058
Orders for
the guards, sir?

170
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:02,150
Be brave, be loyal, be true.

171
00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:04,326
And keep your white flags
handy, just in case.

172
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:06,241
Dismissed!

173
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,069
Good night, guards.
Sleep well.

174
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,468
Sir.

175
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:17,774
Sir?

176
00:09:18,949 --> 00:09:20,037
Sir.

177
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:22,213
Go away, Radar.

178
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:23,824
You're not 'upposed
to go to sleep.

179
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,303
I'm not sleeping.

180
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:28,132
I'm inspecting the inside
of my eyelids.

181
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:30,308
Business, sir. Local
indigenous personnel

182
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,875
requesting medical attention.

183
00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:33,050
This is his I.D. card.

184
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,312
[groaning]

185
00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:38,360
"Kim Luck.

186
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:42,886
"Age 42, 5'6",
occupation: farmer."

187
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,192
Hello.

188
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,282
Looks like an axe wound.

189
00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:48,936
Might need
a stitch or two.

190
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,677
Take Mr. Luck to the hospital,
and ask the duty nurse

191
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,330
to fix him up.
Tetanus shot.

192
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,594
This way, please.

193
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:57,640
Harry Truman,
number one G.I. Joe.

194
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,337
I'll tell him
you stopped by.

195
00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:01,296
[horn honking]

196
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,820
Sounds like somebody's
pulled up to our gas pumps.

197
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,520
Where the hell
is everybody?

198
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:10,914
-Hit it again, Sergeant.
-[honking]

199
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,916
HAWKEYE: Knock it off, will ya?
You'll wake up the war.

200
00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:16,616
Well, look who's here--

201
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,835
Colonel Flagg,
our friendly,

202
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:21,055
undercover, overanxious
intelligence man.

203
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:23,710
Do I know you?
And don't try to deny it.

204
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:25,450
Of course you know me.

205
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,452
Olivia de Havilland.

206
00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:29,977
-Perkins. Captain Perkins.
-Pierce.

207
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,674
That's what I said--
Captain Pierce.

208
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:33,458
Right, Perkins.

209
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,025
Four, maybe five months ago,

210
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:37,027
here on an investigation,
right?

211
00:10:37,071 --> 00:10:39,421
Right, we still have
one of your hidden
mikes in our latrine.

212
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,815
We thought we'd make
an album for you.

213
00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:43,643
I got a wounded gook here.

214
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:48,473
You got a wounded
person here.

215
00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:50,519
Who wounded him?

216
00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:53,174
I did.

217
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,828
Somehow that figured.

218
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:59,093
He's in shock.
You do nice work.

219
00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:01,269
Stretcher case,
on the double.

220
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,098
He's a civilian.

221
00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:05,534
He's North Korean Army.

222
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,318
Caught him near
an ammo dump.

223
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:08,711
Taking him to Seoul.

224
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,713
If he's still
breathing, you are.

225
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,628
We stopped on the road
and he ran.

226
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,021
I put a couple into him.

227
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:15,587
Of course you did.
How could you resist?

228
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:16,937
Patch him up fast, Doc.

229
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:19,809
Prep him for surgery.

230
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:21,158
Start him on plasma, stat.

231
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,204
About a two-inch
cuff on the pants.

232
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:25,641
Will be just as you
like it, Captain.

233
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,338
Plenty of room
in the seat.

234
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:29,210
-Hey, Hawk.
-His brains have to breathe.

235
00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:31,255
This is Mr. Yu, the tailor.
Captain Pierce.

236
00:11:31,299 --> 00:11:33,518
-Honored, sir.
-Honored.

237
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,738
May your needle be
true and your fly's
always straight.

238
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:38,741
Two pair of pants
and a vest, 12 bucks.

239
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:40,395
Yeah, there's
nothing wrong

240
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:41,701
with a single-breasted
Kleenex.

241
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:44,965
Oh, that should
bag up nicely.

242
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:46,749
I need you.
Flagg is here.

243
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,969
-Army Intelligence.
-That's a contradiction
in terms.

244
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,539
He's got a wounded
North Korean prisoner,

245
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:55,976
prepped and ready.

246
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,195
Hawk, I'm with my tailor.
Get Frank.

247
00:11:58,239 --> 00:12:01,895
Frank is off duty,
which helps keep down
the mortality rate.

248
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,505
Hold it.

249
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,376
Those are Mr. Yu's boys.

250
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:06,943
Marshall and Elroy.

251
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:08,771
I know these two
claw machines.

252
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,120
They were here a couple
of months ago.

253
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:11,687
They stole
a 20-pound ham.

254
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,689
They didn't.

255
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,126
And the refrigerator
it was stored in.

256
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:17,432
Those two kids?

257
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:19,173
Their pictures are
in the post office

258
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:20,391
in the juvenile section.

259
00:12:20,435 --> 00:12:21,610
All right, unload, men.

260
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:23,003
Unpocket yourselves.
Come on.

261
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:29,618
Are you their real father
or did they steal you?

262
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,188
The pinstripe. I'll take it.

263
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:55,862
Sister Klinger?

264
00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:57,341
Pressing a little,
aren't we?

265
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,908
Sir, I caught him trying
to sneak out of camp.

266
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:00,823
I was just out for a walk.

267
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,651
Looking for
an all-night novena?

268
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:04,609
I just wanted to get to
Seoul for a few days, sir.

269
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,481
What are you trying
to do to me, Klinger?

270
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:07,830
I'm officer of the day.

271
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,093
You go AWOL,
they hang it on me.

272
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:11,660
Sorry, sir.

273
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,314
"While officer of the day,
Captain Pierce

274
00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:15,838
did allow hairy nun
to desert."

275
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,579
How'd you like that
on your record?

276
00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:18,841
Sir, I wouldn't care

277
00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:20,103
if my record said
I was a bedbug.

278
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:25,500
Slip into something
secular... and stay put.

279
00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,154
If I don't get
some time off,

280
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:29,417
I'm gonna stick my nose
into a chopper blade.

281
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,245
When the colonel
comes back,

282
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:32,768
I'll ask him about
a pass for you.

283
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,683
Bless you, sir.

284
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,424
Klinger?

285
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,991
Love your beads.

286
00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:46,738
Any calls for me
while I was in?

287
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,828
Somebody said
we could have this.

288
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,394
Oh, really? Somebody?

289
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:53,571
You kids are gonna
have to stop stealing.

290
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,443
Why don't you go to bars
and roll an officer

291
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:56,879
like other children?

292
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,315
Go on. Come on.

293
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,450
What's up, Radar?

294
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:04,278
Well, indigenous
personnels again, sir,

295
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,670
requesting
medical attention.

296
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:07,977
That's his,
uh, I.D. card.

297
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,718
What, did we advertise
a weekend special?

298
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,070
Kim Luck?

299
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,637
That's the second
one we had today.

300
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,074
That's the way it
runs sometimes, sir.

301
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:19,728
Can you identify yourself?

302
00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:21,338
This is me.

303
00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:24,472
Well, I guess
you wouldn't kid me

304
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:25,560
about a thing like that.

305
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:26,778
Bring him to the hospital.

306
00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,171
Yes, sir.

307
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,173
This must be
our Kim Lucky day.

308
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:31,609
This way.

309
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:39,095
I don't like people
kibitzing when I operate.

310
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:41,445
-I didn't ask you.
-That's why I'm answering.

311
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:43,883
Just do your job,
I'll do mine, Mister.

312
00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:46,059
You're not gonna get
anywhere being a softie.

313
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:47,364
What's he gowning up for?

314
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:49,236
Says he has to watch.

315
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,846
We'll let you know
if we find any microfilm

316
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,108
in the kid's bladder.

317
00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,371
I'm only gonna say this once.

318
00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,633
That's my prisoner in there.

319
00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,461
Where he goes, I go.
You read me?

320
00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:58,941
Like a cheap novel.

321
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,334
Just stitch him up.

322
00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,727
I want him put together
and put together fast.

323
00:15:02,771 --> 00:15:04,338
TRAPPER:
Your concern is touching.

324
00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:05,687
I have to get to Seoul

325
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,167
so we can execute him
over the weekend.

326
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,258
Save the kid's life

327
00:15:11,301 --> 00:15:12,607
so you can take it
away from him?

328
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:14,304
You got it.

329
00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:16,393
Nice.

330
00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:17,438
Beautiful.

331
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:18,787
War.

332
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,049
Stinks.

333
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:28,971
Will you believe me?
You got the wrong number.

334
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:31,365
-[knock on door]
-One second.

335
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,193
I can't give you
an infantry charge.

336
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:34,716
We're only doctors.

337
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,109
The best we can do
is storm the enemy

338
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,893
and take their tonsils out.

339
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,938
Come.

340
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:50,558
How did he try it this time?

341
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,255
Pretending to be
a business girl.

342
00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:55,084
Klinger.

343
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,304
Klinger, where did your
mother and I go wrong?

344
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:01,786
FLAGG:
How's he doing?

345
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,310
What's the matter?

346
00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:05,616
Afraid he'll die
and ruin your weekend?

347
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,140
Forceps.

348
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:08,576
Forceps.

349
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,277
One of your slugs
for your charm bracelet.

350
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,019
All right.
Saline for irrigation.

351
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,194
Come on.

352
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:19,326
Saline.

353
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:32,556
I was just checking
for centipedes.

354
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,819
Just look for a lot
of little house slippers.

355
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:49,095
Sir, do you mind if we
close those doors?

356
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:51,010
Don't be antisocial, Radar.

357
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:01,150
Good night.

358
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,328
He belonged to my brother.

359
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,985
And he left it to you
when he went off to war?

360
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,379
No, he was 4F.

361
00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:15,730
He was a box boy
in a supermarket.

362
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,167
Well, they also serve
who stand and stuff.

363
00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:30,614
Would you mind turning
your head, please?

364
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,312
Radar, I'm a doctor.

365
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:35,489
I've seen more behinds
than you'll ever have.

366
00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:37,491
Gee, I don't think
it's too much to ask

367
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:40,189
for one guy to ask another
guy to turn his head.

368
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:42,583
Your modesty is
almost indecent.

369
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,802
Well, if you're a doctor
like you say,

370
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,762
then you don't need to see
any more than you've seen.

371
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,198
Go ahead, get sore.

372
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:50,678
I love it when those
little wisps of steam

373
00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:51,940
come out of your tiny ears.

374
00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,907
Sir?

375
00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:04,779
There's a lady out there.

376
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,874
Yes, ma'am?

377
00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:16,182
Number one pain here.

378
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:18,445
Boy, this card's getting
a workout today. Radar?

379
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,621
-Sir?
-We're being Kim Lucked again.

380
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,710
Would you take this
lady inside, please?

381
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:25,539
Yes, sir. Come.

382
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,758
TRAPPER: Move him?
In that condition?

383
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:32,067
Are you out of your
sado-masochistic mind, sir?

384
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,590
Okay. When?

385
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,679
Well, that's hard
to say, very hard.

386
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:38,073
Dr. Pierce here has had
a lot of experience

387
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,510
in moving patients that
are about to be executed.

388
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,164
It was my postgraduate
specialty--

389
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,819
Blindfold
and Last Cigarette 102.

390
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:47,038
All right. Sign him out,
put him on a stretcher.

391
00:18:47,082 --> 00:18:49,171
I'll take
the responsibility.

392
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:51,304
Uh, we'll have
to confer on that.

393
00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:52,914
Yeah, we'll only
be a minute.

394
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:54,829
Amuse yourself.

395
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:56,787
Take some fingerprints,
break somebody on the rack.

396
00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,574
I'd like to fix him
a ground glass burger.

397
00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:02,271
We are not going
to let him take

398
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:03,968
that 16-year-old kid
down to Seoul

399
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,231
and put him
against the wall.

400
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:06,536
I'm with you, Rocky.

401
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:09,191
-Stall?
-Big. Big stall.

402
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:12,499
Uh, Colonel, there's
a medical consideration

403
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,805
which supersedes
the military.

404
00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:16,503
That man is
still unconscious.

405
00:19:16,546 --> 00:19:18,200
We can't release him
in that condition.

406
00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:19,810
He could sleep through
the whole execution.

407
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:20,855
That wouldn't be
any fun, would it?

408
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,554
I want to talk to
your commanding officer.

409
00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:26,208
You gonna execute
him instead?

410
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,949
Tough luck.
He's down in Tokyo

411
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,646
attending a series
of medical conferences.

412
00:19:29,690 --> 00:19:32,519
And dodging hotel dicks.

413
00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:34,738
Where can I reach him?

414
00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:37,001
You could try Madame Chang's
Whoopee Parlor.

415
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:39,874
Or the Pachinko Palace.
He's in the semifinals.

416
00:19:39,917 --> 00:19:43,007
Couple of cutie pies,
ain't you?

417
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,139
Thank you.

418
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,054
Who's your second in command?

419
00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:48,099
Uh, Major Frank Burns,
M.D.

420
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,753
Manic-depressive.
It's an honorary title.

421
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:51,407
He's also schizoid.

422
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:53,931
Sleeps in two bunks.

423
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,806
You clowns are pushing me
around pretty good,

424
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,416
cooperation-wise.

425
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,984
Not to mention
wise-guy-wise.

426
00:20:03,027 --> 00:20:05,987
If I lay a charge of
obstructing military justice

427
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:08,598
on you, you're gonna have
a snootful of trouble.

428
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,600
What could they do?
Send us to the front?

429
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,211
We're at the front.

430
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,300
Maybe they'll put us
in front of the front.

431
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:17,912
Hawkeye, can I see you?
Uh, sir, it's important.

432
00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:19,957
What's wrong, Radar?

433
00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:22,525
Your slight but sturdy body
is all atremble.

434
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,875
Well, you know who--
I mean, what I sleep with?

435
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,877
Yeah, yeah.

436
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:29,010
Well, it's gone.
I've looked everywhere.

437
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:30,925
Sir, you gotta
help me find it.

438
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:32,318
Have no fear, Radar.

439
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,667
We'll look in every tent.

440
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,669
We'll conduct
a louse-to-louse search.

441
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:36,931
FLAGG: Hold it!

442
00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:40,369
You gonna sign out
my prisoner?

443
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:43,372
Colonel, I have a more
important problem on my hands.

444
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,461
One of our teddy bears
is missing.

445
00:20:47,681 --> 00:20:49,291
Look, boys, I didn't mind

446
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,250
when you tried
to steal the telephone.

447
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:53,077
And actually
I was rather pleased

448
00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:56,255
when you tried to make off
with 100 pounds of saltpeter.

449
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,648
But this is going too far. Now
where is it?

450
00:21:02,217 --> 00:21:03,566
[German accent]
You're being foolish.

451
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,786
We have ways
of making you talk.

452
00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:08,049
Pierce, I want
a word with you!

453
00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:09,659
Radar, take 'em
downtown and book 'em.

454
00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:11,748
Oh, yes, sir. Come on!

455
00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:14,142
Captain Pierce, Major Burns
would like to talk to you

456
00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:15,752
as acting commander.

457
00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:17,232
Good, I'll act like
I'm listening.

458
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,799
He went
and got 'em, Hawk.

459
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,496
I bet he found 'em
double-parked

460
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:21,715
in an erogenous zone.

461
00:21:21,758 --> 00:21:24,152
Oh! What a mouth!

462
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:27,024
Just you never mind
where we were, Nosey Nate!

463
00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:28,199
[mouthing]

464
00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:29,505
Captain Pierce,

465
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:31,290
Major Burns,
Acting Commander,

466
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,727
and I, his adjutant,
have been informed

467
00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:36,599
that you and Captain McIntyre
refuse to release

468
00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:37,992
Colonel Flagg's prisoner.

469
00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:40,255
Meanwhile, Aunt Martha,

470
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,517
having taken a tramp
in the woods,

471
00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:44,303
is lying in a ditch
at the edge of town.

472
00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,522
A dozen medical units,

473
00:21:46,566 --> 00:21:49,133
I have to pull in
to a funny farm.

474
00:21:49,177 --> 00:21:50,831
Your kid's
too sick to travel.

475
00:21:50,874 --> 00:21:52,441
He could die between
here and Seoul.

476
00:21:52,485 --> 00:21:53,964
I'll take that chance.

477
00:21:54,008 --> 00:21:56,140
-Oh, he'll take that chance.
-Nice.

478
00:21:56,184 --> 00:21:58,578
Colonel Flagg's
prisoner is a spy!

479
00:21:58,621 --> 00:22:00,623
You have no right
to interfere!

480
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,843
While we're on spies,
ask the major about

481
00:22:02,886 --> 00:22:05,106
the secret pocket
in her garter belt.

482
00:22:07,282 --> 00:22:10,459
If I didn't hate violence,
I'd kick you.

483
00:22:10,503 --> 00:22:12,722
Would you?
With high heels?

484
00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:15,899
Get off the pot, Major.
Lean on 'em.

485
00:22:15,943 --> 00:22:18,337
Yes. Right.

486
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,208
All right.

487
00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:23,342
Now hear this!
I order you to sign.

488
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:24,995
Sorry, we can't take
any new orders

489
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:27,171
till after Christmas.

490
00:22:27,215 --> 00:22:30,479
You can't disobey him!
He's a major!

491
00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:32,220
Oh, uh, just a minute.
Just a minute.

492
00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:34,004
He's only got
two clusters.

493
00:22:34,048 --> 00:22:35,876
Between us two captains,
we've got eight bars.

494
00:22:35,919 --> 00:22:38,531
We outrank you
by half a chorus.

495
00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:40,881
Major Burns, I just
thought of something.

496
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:42,665
Besides being
acting commander,

497
00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:44,406
you are also a doctor.

498
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,930
Hey, that's right.
Frank's a doctor.

499
00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:48,410
How about that, Hawk?

500
00:22:48,454 --> 00:22:50,151
Your secret is safe
with us, you son of a gun.

501
00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:52,414
Certainly your patients
will never know.

502
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,894
You can release
the prisoner.

503
00:22:53,937 --> 00:22:56,244
I can? Oh, I can.

504
00:22:56,287 --> 00:22:57,724
Except that I can't.

505
00:22:57,767 --> 00:22:59,552
Now, this requires
two doctors' signatures.

506
00:22:59,595 --> 00:23:01,510
-Oh, no, forget it.
-Two.

507
00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:03,251
Right!

508
00:23:03,294 --> 00:23:05,906
I have had it
with you fruitcakes!

509
00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:10,432
Now, that's my boy
in that hospital.

510
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:14,088
I caught him, and he's mine.

511
00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:15,916
I'm taking him to Seoul.

512
00:23:24,054 --> 00:23:26,796
Okay, you got
your body, Flagg.

513
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,537
It's your war, not mine.

514
00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,377
This'll teach you eggheads

515
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,814
not to screw around
with intelligence.

516
00:23:44,858 --> 00:23:46,381
Corpsmen!

517
00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:11,319
I promised him
a trip to Seoul.

518
00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:30,904
The North Korean prisoner
suspected of espionage

519
00:24:30,947 --> 00:24:32,819
recovering satisfactorily.

520
00:24:32,862 --> 00:24:34,690
Will be turned over
to military intelligence

521
00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:36,083
as soon as somebody
can be found

522
00:24:36,126 --> 00:24:37,127
with military intelligence.

523
00:24:39,086 --> 00:24:40,522
Paragraph.

524
00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:44,395
Examined, diagnosed,
and treated

525
00:24:44,439 --> 00:24:46,833
a total of five Kim Lucks,
a new Kim Luck record

526
00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:48,530
I hope will stand
for a long time.

527
00:24:50,184 --> 00:24:52,316
Paragraph.

528
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,232
Property of Corporal
O'Reilly returned.

529
00:24:55,276 --> 00:24:58,105
Father and teddy bear
doing nicely.

530
00:24:59,672 --> 00:25:02,413
I guess that's
about it, Radar.

531
00:25:02,457 --> 00:25:05,460
Hey, you guys wanna
see the pinstripe suit
of all time?

532
00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:07,244
Yeah.

533
00:25:07,288 --> 00:25:09,420
[laughter]

534
00:25:14,164 --> 00:25:15,688
HAWKEYE:
He's a great tailor,

535
00:25:15,731 --> 00:25:17,516
but with a lousy
sense of direction.

536
00:25:20,257 --> 00:25:21,432
Hey!

537
00:25:36,665 --> 00:25:39,842
♪♪ [theme]